Sunday, November 20, 2005

Pete's stupid-ass post of Nov. 14, 2005

Okay, so Pete writes a whole post about how he went to a Middle Eastern restaurant. Wow, Pete, you skipped Whataburger for a day? Pat yourself on the scoliosis back!

Pete went to Sabuddy's, an Israeli restaurant, which Pete refers to jokingly as an "A-rab restaurant." Hint to Pete: Israel is Jewish, not A-rab. It's not a member of the Arab League, its primary language is not Arabic, and they're quite a ways from Mecca. (Pete is not a geography student.)

Pete then goes on: "Its simple decor and casual atmosphere belies an elegant class that even some of the fancier eateries can't quite capture." What, pray tell, does this mean? If it is "simple" and "casual," then why would you expect "fancy" places to have the same quality? Unless you were just throwing words at the screen to sound like a restaurant reviewer.

Pete explains that he felt "underdressed" at a place that is "casual," so one can only assume he was wearing a stained jock strap and a big, Huck Finn-style straw hat. He uses this reference to clothing as the lead-in for a joke about suicide bombers. Huh, huh, huh. Good one. Suicide bombers are funny ... people's limbs on the floor ... blood on the walls ... a wedding blown up at the Radisson in Jordan .... huh, huh, huh .... that's funny shiat, yo!

Pete's three housemates (rats, like in "Willard"?) all shunned his joke, properly. Pete's next item of wit is to poke fun at the waiter recommending the "most popular dish." Hopefully Pete's housemates explained to him that this is what waiters do when they're trying to communicate options to their patrons. But if you don't get out much, it might seem like a novelty.

Pete offers up this gem: "What's the 'least popular dish'?" Pete says the waiter appeared "stunned," but in all likelihood the waiter was thinking, "That's real clever, douchebag, but I'm just doing my job." Fortunately for Pete, the waiter gave an answer, not realizing that he was providing Pete with the "main course" (pun intended) for his day's blogging meal (which, if it were a meal, would be a tire-tread-chewy chicken-fried steak slathered in smarmy sauce).

Pete further congratulates himself by thinking that his comments left the waiter "dazed," as if Pete's jokes were the humor equivalent of roofies. It's a wonder Pete didn't date-rape the waiter instead of leaving a tip.

Pete then drops this verbal turd: "Sometimes it's better to just let sleeping meatballs lie." That's what's known as a turned phrase, except in this case it hardly adds up; where is the cleverness in substituting "meatballs" for "dogs"? It's not as though Pete went to eat at a Korean restaurant.

Pete wraps up his wacky "slice of life" diary entry with the poignant tale of how his friend ordered the Jerusalem meatballs, unaware it had been the subject of a joke during his absence, and how everyone else was "ever so tickled by his choice." Awww, isn't that cute. Somebody give Pete a gift certificate for the Precious Moments catalog.

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